Azri and my birthday celebration/bash

Today is Simin birthday though. Heeh. Happy birthday. ^^

Hmm, was actually having bad mood in the morning.. Cause of my bag so heavy and I went to take the cake. I missed the stop end up I walk back to Wcpark. Hehe. Silly me...

Hmm, the celebration only have me, jac, Azri, San, BOH, LF and farhan. Even though so few ppl its still quite fun! That sandy trick me! She tell me not to bring shirt and she won't really throw anything at me. Then end up..... She was the first to throw the water bomb at me! Drenched!!! And its a little painful too! Ahaha!! We started throw each other throw flour! I bought the wrong flour that say. Heheh. All the 3 girl attack me!!!!! I'm totally drench and covered with flour! Tsk Tsk!! They hide my shirt and replace it with a pink shirt! No wonder say no need bring shirt! Hahah!

After that we went to mac to have a drink and slack there for a while. Then we bus back home. Took quite a few or alot? Picture while otw back. Hehe! I've fun. Though it's more to Azri birthday since tomorrow it's his birthday.

Thanks. Thank you. :] I'm glad we 3 are back again. I hope there wont be next time we are separated again. That's why I keep want 3 person picture.

Random

Hey. Make me hate you, maybe not hate, make me dislike you please. Don't come close to me. Don't say things like you know me. Don't. If possible try to not help me unless I asked. I don't want to go close to you. Not at all. I cannot forgive nor can I forget the pain that you've caused me. I find that im hypocrite to act okay in front of you but the fact im mad at you. Maybe you moved on but once I get Hurt or get angry by the person. I will remember even if years passed. Just like how I remembered for those previous broken friendship I've had. Really. You made me regret for being there for you when the true I don't think you even cared that I was once there for you, supporting you even if I were to get in trouble... I regretted... Never had I felt like this before.. All I can hope is for Os to end so I won't really be seeing you. Maybe that'll will make the wound in my Heart to heal faster.. Thanks for all the good things that you have done for me. And sorry for going in your life that cause you and me to suffer. I guess we're meant to be like the way we are now. It's better. Probably.

Nevertheless, I still believe her. I realize. When what she say from her mouth I will believe. Idk why. There are times I'm really angry at her. Because of her attitude, walking off on me and all. But still can't bring myself to really don't like her. I'm a hypocrite. There are times where I talk behind her, but when with her all those thoughts vanished. I admit what I did unless I forget. I have the guts to admit. If you ask me personally, anything, I will say the truth. I don't like to lie when people ask me things personally. Unless I'm not really sure.


If anyone I know read this. Go ahead. :] I'm not sure if you will be a person that show ppl what I blog and make them think I'm a bad person. I don't care anymore. I've had enough trying my very best to be a good person to be fair. One of my friend tell me that I no need to force myself, no need to try to hard because I'm just human, everyone is not perfect or are you. Dont be too hard on yourself. That make me think. Was I trying to be perfect all along? Idk. I can say I'm trying to be a fair person like my horoscope. Hoping to be balance, be equilibrium.

Find your action unreasonable. No longer trying to think in your shoe

Don't blame ppl from leaving, blame yourself for making them leave. The way say it's like your putting the blame on your friends. But, why can't you realize that you push them away instead. You told them how you appreciate them but you only use words. You say you dont want them leave, did you even try holding on to them from leaving? If you really don't want them to leave you can try and hold on to them, no? Even if In the end they choose to leave, you have no choice at least you have tried. But you dint, so you have no rights to say that they leave you.

I wonder how can you act like nothing happened. You should know you caused it all. You say you don't like ppl to assume how you feel, but god damn it, you assumed things that I did not do. And I hated but accused. If you dont like ppl assume you yourself dont assume things. Because of you, I've got hurt again and become more mean that I don't wanted to be.

You have broke the trust I had put in you despite many things. You spread things about me. All along I've tried to make others to not make things worse for you so I was helping behind you. You make me regret, regret for trying my best helping you. I know you did not asked me to, but I can't leave you like that. You can say I pity you but I tried to be close with you, but I think I can't. I'm tired of you. Tired of being with you, tired of your mood swings (you show all over the face and let us suffer), tired of trying, tired trying to advice you because you are so stubborn you won't listen. One word, tired.

I'm venting here. If you read this, this is my blog I can say what I want, but I wont state your name.

If you come to me for help, I still will help no matter what.

Sometimes I can't make myself hate the person when they can talk to me so normal.

Actually, I should be glad you are like that. :] because you are like that, I'm okay again with her.

You. Yup you. :]

I'm glad that in the end we are back. Maybe others may say I'm stupid but as long as I'm happy. But you know. When we have small arguments, it's because both of us don't want to lose. I don't know why, when we argue I dint feel like losing to you. I've told you that I lost my trust in you is because you were too close to her. And when everything was going on, you weren't there with me. I hope you were, so I'll know what really am I to you... You told me I was just normal friend all that. It actually hurt me. Having me to see how close you was with her, it hurts me and make me feel frustrated. And make me feel that I no longer have the rights to treat you well.. Though you've said you are not close with her and all but you choose to go to her then come to me.. I'm tired of getting hurt everytime in a friendship. My heart hurts so easily. I'm jealous I admit so what. I care so I'm jealous. I still love you as a friend. How I can disturb you like no one business, how I can talk to you, how I can walk with you, how my heart weren't so empty, so lonely. Though I know there're still friends that might care for me but their care is not really for me. They have their own friends to care about. I cant Stand being alone.. I feel lost, feel unwanted, feel that I don't belong.. You choose to go with her then come to me.. That Hurt me alot.. Even now, typing this I'm at the verge of crying yet I can't..(this is a joke) - I'm on the bus!!! Later cry ppl look at me how!!

I really hope the 3 of us will be like that time. I dont know if it's all right..

.... Why can't ppl understand me. I just want to have a friend that care alot about me and I also care alot about the person. Why.. Why so difficult.. Why ppl say that I'm a good friend and all why are they still treating me like this? Why are they pretending? Why are they saying words out so easily when they can't really do it?? Why? Why am I like this? Why am I so weak? So useless, so soft hearted... Don't say you appreciate it when you don't! I will take it to heart! Even though I will say I don't want to believe what you say but the fact is, the moment you've said it I believed it and remembered it.. Don't hurt me, don't make me cry, I will remember even if years pass by.

Hey you. Truly from the bottom of my heart. Just when I was about to give up on you, you came back.. But this time, can I really trust you? When you say it I will believe it. Yes or no? I need trust. Can you not go to others and leave me hanging one side like I was being abandon? I feel so useless.. But I know those friend care about me, but I feel like a extra because I know I don't belong, I am not suppose to get in there. I feel that my existence is not important to anyone. It hurts so much. Arghh.... *controlling*
I hate how That show ppl my frustration because you hurt me but when I am with you I forget all those... What aHypocrite I am..

I hate that I've been called betrayer.. Acting kind soul.. Was I pretending? What I've done was all an act?.. I cannot forget what words and action that have been thrown to me.. You know, being there for her, I don't know how many effort I've used, I dont know how worried I was, how I kept asking ppl to not make things big, how angry I was, how tired it made me that I even cried because I was so tired.. How I cried for her, how I cried knowing she feel hurt... How I tried telling ppl to trust her. For fuck I did that. All she did was saying she appreciate it. Fuck that. In the end she make everything worse for me and you and bra* Why the hell did I do that for her.. When her friends wasn't really there I was.. Fuck that...
All over now but I still feel... Frustration, Saddness..

Wednesday.

Getting back the papers today. Had PE, played handball. hmm, I think I'm in good condition to play. However, I was too focus on the ball that I keep banging the same person, like calista, Michelle and Sofia? Managed to take the ball, snatched the ball. But it's because they left too much openings for me to snatch. :X no bhb hor.! Then there's was this where I michelle and I chiong for the ball and we bang each other..... Damn pain ! her face bang my nose. Though it was pain but not to the point I would tear but the tears just came out by itself. >.< not her fault. Heheh. Both too focus!! So all day I feel uncomfortable about my nose. Have the feeling Like there's a pressure on my nose. Today weather is damn hot. Feel so uncomfortable!! Body sticky stick! Eek! >.<

So broke nowwwwww. Need to stop taking cab..... :|

Random

I regret I trusted you no matter what others said... I should not have tried putting myself in your shoe. All I've done was just an act for me to show I'm kind. Hey, I'm human too. I have to vent things to ppl as well. No matter, since you don't trust me you've broken my trust to you. You say as if like you know what I've thinking but even of you might be right, you still did things that goes opposite of what think isn't it? I'm sorry. I no longer know who you are. I can't tell if you are pretending. Just don't talk to me when it's not about school stuff.

Now everything seems normal. I might be the word still holding on to this stupid thing. Now you and I are back like normal. I like it. But... I don't know... Nvm... You would fill the emptiness inside of me. All along you've been filling up. The emptiness that I've felt from the beginning of the school, that moment I feel that I no longer belong. Despite having me to are so much about my friends I feel as if no one cared about me. Those friends in my class. Maybe some. But I feel I'm just a burden, an extra. *sigh* end up I choose to just walk alone. I feel that I've lost to that argument with the person. Those friends are forced to be with me so now I'm alone.

Can't quit for Os to be over

My true feelings.

It took Me quite a long time to type. Suddenly when I wanted to blog, I've got nothing I could say. Or maybe too Much to say? Or too difficult to say?
I admit I screenshot. But I've made the person promised that she will not do anything to another person. And if she did my trust will be lost in her. And I want the clique thing to solve. It was painful to see the people I love/happy with cried like this. I swear. Because I cried together.
My question I've ask myself, did you really told them bout it? I don't want to believe that you told but is it really you? I'm sorry that I've lose trust in you. I can't control. Seeing you closer to her then with me. You knew I had green eyes. I enjoy disturbing you, able to make you laugh. You make me feel that I'm nothing to you, just like how I feel in the past from someone else. You make me believe what you have said. I did thought about going to same Jc with you. I did. But I gave up the thought after you had "abandon" me on the talks about poly and JCs in school. And I thought we could be still quite close after Os. If it was not because of the class tee. Nothing could have happened. So I hate the class tee. I wonder how you look at me now. Am I a hypocrite, samaritan, betrayal. You should know that I hope we 3 will be like how we used to be.
History is repeating it's self again. Once again I was hurt. Hurt by those people I care, hurt by what they had done, they had not done and what they are doing. I think it's all over now?
I can't explain how it hurts. It just does. So now you have her you no need me anymore. I'm not important. Suddenly you being close to her, which you do not really like her before.
I don't like what she have said, I know the feeling of loneliness, and I did not want to see her alone i want her to feel that there is someone still supporting her. Why was I so stupid doing that when she only use her mouth and say she appreciated and what she's doing it opposite way. I was a fool to willingly help her. I choose to not believe what others told me and trusted her. I was wrong doing that. Now I've experience it.... It hurts. Not being her, is because what are people around her reacting like..

I have choose to leave. I did not forced anyone to be my friend. They don't like me they can just tell me. I keep hesitating to leave because of you. But now since you have someone else. I think you dont need me. So it's pointless to stay and let you hurt me without you even caring how i would feel.

I swear that it hurts like mad. But soon it will not. You are probably the only one that'll read my blog. I'm telling you. You have hurt me in the end like how others did. But I thank you for being my friend. Thank you for making feel happiness before the class tee incident. Thank you. And goodbye as close friend. (only I treated you like one as you said I'm just a normal friend)

People made me see what I've choose to not see.

Quarrel that dint expect to happen.

Yesterday C* already did not really talk me. Hear from B* that C* will tell me that B* go off first but she dint. And I'm alone so I went off myself. But in the end went to B* & others. And C* keep leaving what's app chat. Makes me kinda mad. It is like did not do anything wrong and ignore me. Never even speak to me. It's like what S.C* did to me 1year + back. Seriously HATE it.

Today still did not talk to me and now did not talk to B* also.. At first thought she went with other friend so okay in then when the friend never wait me and B* realize so kinda waited for C* while walking with a classmate and C* walk pass us....
After pe talk a little then something happen and started quarreling as we text.

I was caring bout C* trying to ask her don't be upset. Yet she say I don't understand.. People telling me they dont understand because I'm not experiencing it makes me BOIL. Even if I had not experience it I can feel it. I can imagine and feel it I can imagine things happening to me and literally cry. Believe or not I'm not lying at all.

I want C* to realize that her actions and words she say will make people dislike it. Like "no friend" - I'm not praising myself or anything. Am I not there for her when she needed? Even if it's not my problem yet I get involve because I don't want people to get hurt ESP when it's like no one there for her. It's not pitying her. It's just I put myself in her shoe. People telling me to beware but I ignore, I trust her. But now she say she do not know how to trust. Then what's my trust for? Just an act? I'm really just a tools or toy? What am I? Aren't I there when she needs? You say don't want things to get worse but you are making my history to repeat. It's like I supported you be there for you. And yet because of not wanting to get into B* and I's close friendship and you gonna walk off? What I've done means nothing? You say you don't want to but why you still did it? Dont think about your own feelings think of mine as well. Do you think I did not shed a tear because of you? Sayin that we are not very close. But I was there for you. Am I invisible? Now what am I again? In the past I forgotten who am I. Did you forget who made me forget? Who make me feel like I'm nothing. Are you doing that to me? Really. I say I dot care I can't be bothered. Heck care you but I don't know why I cry for what today.
After I cried I just treat is as nothing and laugh but I mind. I just want you to be happy and be our friend is that so difficult? You say You hate people who assume how you feel? Hate huh? Now you hate me? What do you want me to do? What I did was all wrong?! I am trying to make you be happy. Is that so wrong? You are stubborn don't listen to people. hate it.
Don't trust me.. I did not even betrayed you. Hate it. Ignore us. HATE IT THE MOST.
It sucks being me. The"if I die will my friend cry?" thought is the question I've been asking. If I die will you realize I mean something? If I die it there a difference if I wasn't there? And some of the people wanted to there when you are sad/upset but yet you push them away...
It's like I'd care for you then you ask people go away. Then if don't care for you you'll say you've got no friends that care. - what you want us to do? Please recall did you do that? Today as well. You left the others hanging. To care or not to care.

We will/can still be friends it's not like I don't like you. I just want you to realize things people see when you did not notice it yourself. Sometimes others see more clearly then yourself so believe us. You are still my friend.


I'm just saying how I feel. I just think that no one will really come here. When I'm upset I will come here and post about things.

Yesterday.

Overnight at Shu Shu house again.
Morning we went swimming again as Mei Mei (Valerie tan) have test for swimming. Hmm she pass and gonna go up another level. Hmm and I tried to swim frog style! Shu Shu say the pattern come out Le but I cannot balance myself. Haha. Tired!
Michelle and I have tan lines! No nice at all...
After swimming, went to the SPCA!!! *happy* see dogs/puppy & cats/kitten there!! Hmm dog dint really caught my eye. But I went in to two dogs kennel. First one I went in with lenice. The dog keep bite our pants then lenice keep mice away. Hehe. I just try to sayang the dog then it keep bite my hand instead saliva.. But never mind. Bite until have the lines but I don't think it's very pain ahh. Stay for quite a well then michelle come find us and get out of the kennel. Next, michelle and lenice went in to a kennel. Hmm its a small dog not sure if it's puppy I dint see the info. Both of them trying to sayang him and wanna carry him. Michelle say can't find chance to carry.......
Then ask me go in and I went in. :P
Hmm I went in sayang him and he lick my hand then for awhile I carry him up! Ahaha. I say can't find chance to carry? I Carried him up Le. :P michelle fake Yi ke. Don't dare carry lo.. Both cousin dont dare carry ten lenice still want dog. Chey. Heehee. :P after that we went to the kittens corner. They are so damn cute!!!!!!!!!!! I play with two of the kitten. Using my fingers and they trying to "catch" it so adorable can! Hmm I can say their claws? Nails? Are sharp! Hmm if you a little also pain I suggest you don't play with cats. Hehe. They are like x men. Want to play catch, the claws? Nails? will just come out. Heehee. It's so cute that I gonna die! :3 their fur is very smooth. Feel like getting kitten instead. But hmm I think dog better.. Cause dogs will listen and be more loyal to their master/owner. Hahah I type so much about SPCA. Hehe.

Then we went eat and go back home and take a nap and then start painting the walls! Then not enough paint and not shop is open for the paint we want to today Shu Shu gonna paint the rest. :] it's quite a tedious thing to do but it's quite fun. And at night after dinner, went to eat dessert at north point then back home and slack. ^^


Dint take picture of the dog that keep biting one. Forget to.

Friday is the day today.

Mmm, today is meet the parent session day. Talk about English,maths,my result and my behavior? I say that I don't have the discipline to make myself study. Mrs yap ask me do a time table for June hols to study and what's app her. Doing a time table is definitely not my type.. I wanted to study but my body takes over my mind. My result is really...... 2 pass only.. Oh well.. *Sigh*

Went home after that and slack till time to go tuition ~ michelle is coming over later to GM and maybe lenice and Valerie(cousins). Tomorrow gonna go skating with them. Excited. ^^

Intensive Chinese lesson for 4 days.

Hmm, today is a fine day. To me it's kinda cooling day if everyday was like that I'll be quite good. :] well. Had intensive Chinese. It was ratter relax because the teacher don't bother much if you are not disturbing the class. You can sleep, can listen to music. I like.
Tomorrow there'll be a Chinese exam hope I don't sleep on it. :]

Hmm, sitting with sandy is makes me feel so comfy, she'll ask you things, tell you things about anything she thinks off. Hehe. It's great when I can talk to my Gf! And it'll be much greaterrr I I could say things that can make he smile or laugh! I'd like to make the ones I love smile or laugh. Makes me really happy and don't wanna leave the person. :]

Weekends! Feels like holiday! (Y)

Yesterday morning 10am tui was canceled than went for 12pm chem tui and after that went home then realized I forgot about going for breakfast with ZulikAh. She forgot about it as well oh well next time than plan again. :]

Reach home Xiao Gu decided to bring my and michelle go JCUBE to skate. ^^ Heheh. Quite interested.
Hmm, I should say it was fun,funny,scary,tiring,painful,determine thing. Hehe. Funny behind michelle fall twice and because I almost fall but I dint. Scary because scared to fall! Painful cause of the boots? Shoe? Determine because I wanna learn how to skate than can enjoy it! So altogether= tiring & fun!!
Look forward for the next Saturday that I can go skate with another two of my cousin,lenice and Valerie of cause Michelle coming as well. Can see how their reaction will be!! Haha!

Went to eat than went home. The stickhouse ice cream at JCUBE is nice. The chocolate one "haochi" yum!

Today went to clementi mall to pei my pri friend buy shoe i wear the shirt that my aunt bought. Feel like its kinda revealing need to find like slinglet to wear inside. Then help gugu Mamie with the things that she bought by taking some of it back to her house at Jurong. Stay there for awhile then buy dinner and went home.

Shocked. Tiring.

Today in the middle of the night at around 2am + suddenly someone scream. It scare me. Very scary... My dad was surprise then he rush go see what happen and stepped until my leg. I wake up Liao but I was shocked and scared to go see. :X then for awhile I go see. It's my Xiao Gu on the floor, fall down, hit until the head, crying. I shocked. The scream really scare the hell out of me.. I so difficult to wake up then her one scream wake all the people in the house. Why fall down? - the like wash pigu that pipe burst the water spray out. My aunt hear something ten want go see then want in the light then step until the water and slipped never react fast then rub and injured until the hand and hit the hit on the floor. Then Er Gu and ah ma rub her head after that I go rub her hand then she realize Hand one also quite pain. Than after that we all go sleep. I can't sleep drag until 4am + then sleep then alarm ring at 5:45 but I lay on the bed until 6:20am + wake up. Then aunt all wake up le. Not enough sleep then feel tired. Brush teeth all this Le sit on sofa. Then for awhile go change to school u about to leave. Then my aunt say you don't go school ah pei me go see doctor. Then I called mrs yap tell her not going school. So, we went to clementi polyclinic. Only get few medicine and like cream to apply on the hand.
Then go buy things like tonic for ah ma and my bro and soyabean for my bro to drink. So went to cousin house. He that there cause Gu Gu Mamie taking care of him.

Reaach there eat lunch all this then decided to go imm shop. Xiaogu buy a lot clothes for me and bro. My bro really buy a lot! Buy from fox, giordano, cotton on. She buy slippers from fox and the clothes that I don't wear. Which mean like Girly. I not used to wearing that kind of clothes. >.
I've been traumatize... The scream very scary. It makes me feel insecure around the house...

This week. (exams)

Tuesday had maths & chem(not enough time) - acceptable
Wednesday had maths P2(not enough time) - difficult
Today had chem & phy p1(careless mistakes) - acceptable.
Tomorrow last paper... This is sad..

Exams week - (Y) awesomeness. I'm not sick of exams hmm enjoying it actually. Reasons? : some day can wake up late, recess about 1 hour or 45min, can go home early = awesome.

I no longer thinking of who I want to go with after school anymore. If I'm not invited then no point thinking haha. What am I babbling about. If people want me they'll asked. Therefore after school = go home. Unless sometimes go clementi eat or buy thing with clique members. Haha.

Love today. Test 1 hour then go home. I like ~ and I did not cab. Wohh! F&n tui, brain can't function.. Can't think well.. *dreamy* like to talk to boh boh like how the past we did. went buy stuff and home!
Keep having stomachache this few days... *sigh*

Mood like these days.

Had few exam papers. Social studies. ... *sigh* can't finish the paper... Stupid..

Yesterday 9:30 went to tution. Finally talk to boh boh! After tuition home then suddenly Jessica want go watch movie.asked zuk also. Then we went to vivo but dint watch movie, went to eat, slack around and shope around. Biught chocolate for michelle's b'day.Ate B&J ice cream like finally! But feel so dead to enjoy. After went home. On the way home bought bottle drinks. So tired... Reach home slack then bath and sleep.


Today had to wake up early... Earlier than I wake up for tuition.. Tired... Aunt ask me I have buy present I say no, since michelle say don't need so never buy, save money. (but I buy)
Went to Jurong had porridge for breakfast then go cousin house. Hmm, aunt give the presents to her then ah mah pass the red packets from my dad and ah gong and ah mah. Then I went and take the chocolate and give her. My two aunt like surprise. Eheheh. They say, "I thought you never buy anything for her?" Hahha. Quite envy her receive so many present just from the family! >. Stay there for few hours then get home about 5pm plus.

Okay photos is all mess up~

Random

I miss Casper. :| don't know what he doing.. Wonder if the owner treat him well. :X used to sayang him when i go over to pasir ris ah Gong house. Used to bath him. (he was the first dog I bathed) I want to have a dog but I have to reconsider. Must think of I need to take care and all that.

Hahah. Sorry. The dog is Casper. Look very ke lian when the fur is all wet. But to me it's funny! Hahah!!

Thursday.

Physics paper today.. It's difficult... Damn fail. I took quite a long time to finish. I finish just few seconds before the teacher says stop.. Gonna do badly hmm mcq must score well. Don't Like ms foo set paper..

Hmm, I like exams period, can go school late, can release school early then my allowance given by dad can save up! Now got $50 Le. Happy. Want to buy thing but must control! So must go home after exam ends! Hmm save until $100 then buy present for people I owe. First buy yours then buys hers then hers, then hers then hers, then hers then hers - so many people!!! $$$ sure gonna fly fly fly.

Sorry. Sorry that I might have acted weirdly or coldly. But please just let it be. I don't know how I am suppose to react or act. If I did make anyone angry please just forgive me. Maybe you might annoyed by me behaving/acting like this. But I'm trying to do that so I won't get close to people and I'll expect something from them and if I dint get what I wanted to get from them I'll be sad think all sorts of nonsense again. And my expectation is abit unreasonable. So just forgive me. So I can focus on studies and don't care the rest. So I'm like isolating myself from the rest. That's bad. Hmm, I'm just gonna try make myself okay with being alone. :]
if you talk to me, just talk as normal even if I make react weirdly or something.
I just wanna force myself to focus on studies now and nothing else. after Os it'll be like how it used to be, hmm if I remember how to be. Heheh.

Maybe just for a period I'm acting like this. That's possible as well. Hmm will see how I act lo. Hehe.

Monday

This is emo. Hehe. Emo-Li / emo-ly

Blogger app.

Ahh. I like the blogger app. Finally can out pictures! HAPPY* yay! Heheh. Glad I purposely waste time go download!

?

Who am I? What am I?

Thinking over filled.

This is boring. My brain, my mind filled with things that will make me upset. It's filling it up again.. Like the past. I don't want history to repeat but my mind just want it to. Why? Fuck that shit.There are times that I'll be jealous. Of cause it's about friend but I can't say out. No one belongs to anyone but what for I jealous? *sigh* stupid brain.. Not being only jealous. Also thinking that ime useless, I'm unwanted, I dont belong. Once I'm left alone this feelings would come. Last year I don't really feel that because im always with my clique, with ZulikAh. But it's different this year. I dint belong with anyone in the class. This is why? I don't know. You know, sometimes I really want to help, want to be there for people but either is I don't have the ability to help or I'm not fit to help them or I'm not the one they want help from.- "No matter how hard you try to cheer her up she won't be cheered up because you're not the one that she wants to be cheered up by." correct? Oh well.Am I to full of myself? Thinking that I've given so much but yet I still end up being sad? Too thick skin? Okay.. I'm thinking too much. Maybe soon people will get sick of me?Fuck the thinking.I want to have a true friend that will always be there us there so difficult? If nit at least try to be there. Maybe I'm not fit to be? Okay this make me wanna cry.. shit. Not gonna cry.I'm going to try to be alone if possible and focus on studies.That's it. Bye

Emptiness, loneliness, craziness, emo'ness, stupidness, no idea'ness

Today. Mood was like crap from yesterday? Idk.. F&n practical yesterday. Thought that will have not enough time and will fail but I was wrong was kinda in time and the most fail dish was the prawn egg roll.. Nvm anyways. I knew I tried, no regrets. Boh fail because of having the wrong fish, teacher dint get what she wanted . She's upset. Idk what to do. After washing up and all went home. Feeling the loneliness.. Hah. Hate that. Was tired, homed, eat, then nap then bath then phone then sleep. Well today first few lesson was in a bad mood.  Being my brain says I'm lonely unwanted. Haha. :] Jess ask me sit with her for mtl but I ignored. Thought wanted to be alone. Then after mtl boh boh take my bag out behind her table. Was going through reading and stuff for el. Recess,Then chem sit with bohboh. Cheered up. :]  Cw and sc have their exam. The rest had oral. Mmm, I think it was Soso? I'd be a Like too nervous. After when find boh,chew,loi,lo they all. Went to kitchen. Some help the people cooking. But kinda got irritated some other people crowd around the place when people trys to wash up and stuff. Don't know what happy to bohboh. She angry. I saysay only then scold me almost had a argument. Tell me don't ask her why. If I don't ask means I don't even care. What for I care? Yeah for what? I don't know I just care... Stupid? My fault? *sigh* was a kinda angry because she scold me. Hate it when she does that.. Then it upsets me... Make me feel so sad,useless,unwanted. Fuck my thinking. That stupid thinking that hurt my hearts came back for it food.. Cried.. I cried. This is tiring.. I want a peaceful frienship, I kept quiet even if I feel lonely. I act like nothing is wrong the truth is? I can't be alone at all.. ESP when there's actually friends around. My brain goes like a devil hurting my heart. Oh well. After I cried was angry. Wondering why the hell she like that. But when I think all that, I know I still care for her. saying like I don't but I do like hell lot. First. I really want to be there for those friends I loved, really.. Bur they dont allow me. In fact, chase me away. What am I to them? I always ask this question to myself.. But can't find any answers..

NAFA test today after school. Took hours to finish those 5 station.. My stamina drop like one kind... Fail 2.4 I bet I'll fail badly if mich.w wasn't there to pull me that last Pe lesson. Grateful though we did not pass. Went home about 5pm plus and EAT! nice!! Okay the slack till I sleep? Hey girl, don't be upset, don't cry. I had realized of how the way you reply my tweets. I feel it but I just overlook it because maybe I'm just thinking too much. Hehe but I was right. You were upset. *sigh* don't be. Hmm, maybe it wouldnt make Any difference if I feel upset because you are upset. :) Anyways don't be upset. Have to forget about him already girl. I understand that there are places that keeps on reminding you of him. And sometime you coincidentally saw him. You care. :] Just Let fragments of him slowing fade away. Don't be sad, don't cry because of him anymore. I have this thinking in the past most probably when I'm in primary school? How I hope I was a guy. A guy that can love someone rather than be a girl that waits to be loved. If I was a guy I really would want to date a girl and no matter what will love her untill she wants me to let go. Girl is a cute creature. Hahah! Because I watched a drama that's why say until Like that. Haha! When a guy go kiss a girl, the girl expression is shocked then when she reached home she is damn happy! Hahahh! Okay I'm random. Well I think I potential to love someone better than to be loved. To be loved is so damn difficult and tiring.. *sigh* just don't be sad. :] I want to see your happy face.

Have been going for rehearsal for achievers' day like 3time for this week. all rehearsal ended later then it was suppose to be. I actually didn't really want to dance but drag by sandy to dance. Not only rehearsal. For Tuesday and Wednesday after the rehearsal have to rush to tuition and late for 30min to 1 hour.. The think I hate of rehearsal is, that chang keep do changes give us do. So last min.. Stupid Have been restless the few days.. Occupied this week.. Yesterday was achievers' day. I bought gongcha for my juniors as last performance gift and it cost me $51.60 I wonder if sandy is sharing. I wonder if they really appreciate it? I wanted to use my $ to buy something else.. I owe so many people preset yet I use $ to buy thing for my junior.. Heh. Before performance. We all gather in lawrer? room. It's was okay at first but I was feeling so sleepy and the noise level increase.. So I got fed up. And I don't like the idea of being in room with other cca.. Then the band came. It got worse. They were next to out place we end up moving ourself to another side and we have no chair to sit at all. The idea of being push around. Heh. I don't really care though of s care because she don't like ......... Then we got nothing to do. So I ask sandy if want let them ji the move only, never tell them do the move but sandy ak them do then do lo. I have nothing to do just look at them do the step while I'm frowning because I still feel sleepy.. :X then in the end we've got no mood. At the backstage all have no mood. But I did ask, you all no mood only right? Not nervous? They nod their head. Then when it's gonna be our turn, something went wrong to the PA system I think. Then sown junior thought it's our turn then they went out but come back as well. And lx was angry at them. She has a very bad tempered I realized.then we went out when our turn. I can't see what has happen cause I was inside. Hmm but after the performance they were all in bad mood. Lx scolded them like one kind. I wanted to stop her but I dint. Now thinking back I should have stop her and if she did say me back, she gonna die, I will be scolding her back heh. Hmm after that she order them to stop crying(that reminds me of jane chang scolding people when they cry-.- which me me angry like one kind) am calm down as there are still finale. I see them cry make my heartache and feel like crying. :x why am I so emotional? Then they did what they was told. Then everything okay. We are cheered up, did tde woosh. I guess the other people might think we are crazy moment ago was in a bad mood then cheered up.oh well. While during finale, I actually have the urge to cry because it's the last performance I will be in my life I think. Its the last performance with them. After the whole thing we take picture and stuff. We pack our stuff and then went in to the scolding session again. This time is by ms Lai and lx.. They are long witted. If the juniors really know two are wrong they will defenitlet learn it when we say once. No point keep saying. Anyways some cried as well but this time round I don't feel like caring about the scolding just wanna be dismissed. So after that te school Gonna close then they let us go. Hah. Lol. Went to mac with michl she say wanna chat so I'm okay with it then in the middle of it ask cw come! And she came! However! Both of the two, 3 July birthday baby bully me!! Both of them Using phone and use same finger to use somemore! Hehe. One is my exgf one is my Gf. No wonder they are similar :P Anyway dint really chat alot. After eat michl went back first then I acc cw go toilet and don't feel like going home is crazy that want send her home heh. But dint so went home. Reach home sit in my room's floor using ohiwn for like 1 hour then most people went to sleep then I go bath. Don't wash clothes was too tired? Hmm lie on the bed drying my hair and using phone. Then until I keep dozing off ~ then when hair is not that wet then don't care Le. Use phone but fell asleep so never do until. Woke up at once in morning forget why then sleep back and wake up at 9am plus dad called to ask what I want to eat. I said anything. Then close my eyes, then phone no batt go charge and a few minutes when I went to my bed and close my eyes my alarm rings and shocked me then I'm awake can't sleep back. Wait for dad to be back and go wash up and eat. So full that I took quite a time to finish it. I ate porridge. After that 11am slowly change and go tuition. Waiting boh boh at her House bus stop there and we went tuition together then Simin came followed by sc. Chem tui was QA. It was quite okay when mr Koh teach. :] after that it raining heavily sc went out, Simin went her another tui me and boh boh went home. Was under rain for very short while. I like the coldness of the rain. Reach home eat soemthing the. For awhile wanted to study chem but I end up using phone until I fell asleep. Then my aunt all wake me up to eat dinner. Hate it when t they have to shout all that to wake me up if only they don't so loud and like wake me up softly I might be ok with it. After eat slack in y room with lights off using phone then went to bath and shit then wash the clothes. Went back to room slack the stomachache again went to towing and I laosai... Hehe then I went to room And slack. Aircon is on tonight again. I like. So I'm here typing this long shit. Must make myself do something like studying tomorrow.

MONDAY ~ (without Jessica)

I Really didn't feel like going back to school but I make myself wake up, dress up and walk out of the house and by the time I know, I'm in school. Oh! I hate crowded bus. Hate it when people start pushing when they know there's no place. Hate it when I end up with nothing to hold on to and lost my blanche and keep banging here and there. Feeling stupid. Usually have bad mood in morning until people talk to me of cause? The whole day was actually boring...? Jessica is not in school due to some reason. I somehow like today because time pass quite fast. Hmm, there are times where i feel alone. I went to pe myself. Val went to sheryl, jessica is not here, ill feel extra if i act like nothing and follow cw,boh and sc. Thus, i went to pe myself even if its just for a short while i still feel alone.I wonder if I'm like smiling when smiling and really laughing when I'm laughing. It doesn't feel right. Am I making myself smile and laugh? Why do I feel so empty? Why am I feeling so down? Why am I making myself so down? I feel like I'm pretending. I only have ml,Suria,Carrisa that I won't feel extra at all but we are in different class. Zulikahhh ~~ if only you are here I think I wont feel so lonely. Maybe I'm just thinking too much like I always does. Okayyyyyyyyy gonna stop this shit. Hehe. ^^ yay!!!! Was home early today. At 2pm plus. Now I'm not sure if I should go cousin house to take things for not. But feel like bathing first of gonna go. I'll see how. Was think if should ask zuk out but Nahh got homework to finish. Hmmmmm. Okay bye.(I know it's random)

Last Thursday was sports day. Went to mac for breakfast with cw,boh and lf. Was late for sports day (dorm like being late though) had to run because we were late and dm check our bag as among us who were late,there are smokers. Had as like argument? With boh. I bet it's because of lf getting involved that makes her angry. I just wanted to ask dm where's the house placing and big scolded me say ask for what dm kp. And I replied kp me what not you? Heh. I remembered it clearly. Was really mad with her. She might say that I don't understand because his not my bf? Whatever. I wonder if she"ll read this. Just saying how I feel. Really mean nothing. :] but everyday was alright in the end so okay. Forget it. The weather is so damn hot! Blazing sun! Hate it when they call the winners of events to wait under the hot sun!! Stupid. Carova win, I though cypress will win that's depressing haha but no big deal, got no prize to get anyways. Went to LAN and pool after sports day. Im really bad with online games~ hmm I don't feel bored though cw thinks I am. Hehe. Maybe at that point I forget what's bored? Hmm it makes me feel like playing those games and improve myself so I can play with them smoothly? The next time. :] hmm pool. Second time I play it. Maybe it's because it's not in the room? I feel so out of place. Play 1 game with cw for 1 hour! Then don't know how long with boh boh. So serious when she play! Make me feel stress. :X alright after that went home. Forgot what i did when I reach home. Hmm. Ohoh!!!! Went home so tired that I sit in my room floor. Hehe until my mum called and tell me go bath as she coming to fetch me!! ^^! so I did what I was told! I bought my unwash clothes over to mum place as well and shoe! So I can let the maid wash it for me. :P I'm lazy! Went to eat dinner and the home(pasir ris)! I think Im playing iPad at home until don't know what time I fell asleep.(might have been real tired) :] On Friday went out with mummy for our 3pm plus "breakfast" Sakae sushi!! It was real nice!! I like the mushroom tempera!! Yummmyyyy!! Then after that walk around whitesand shopping mall then went back home with a bloated stomach!! Stay home watching a movie and then read low Kay hwa book. And poof! The next day wake up at 8am plus or 9am plus wakie wakie. Took cab to tiong to like mummy alight there then I go back to GM.. Had stomach ache. And ive got taxi-sick.. Making me nausea wanna vomit.. Reach home eat some rice and off to tuition. After tuition went to vivo alone to buy book and don't feel to go home early then ask Jessica out. ^^ stay at mac I eat and then walk around until 6pm plus go home. And todayyyyyyyyyy. Stay at hone all day. Wake up at 2pm plus. Use iPad and then finish the low Kay hwa book I read half way then bath and watch tv. Tomorrow school and that sucks.

Tiring but fun day!

Hmm. Haven't been here for quite lonnggg ~~
hmm today 30312 was a tiring day. For me tiring because?? - I've been sleeping late like everyday and wake up at 6am plus and that open "tap" and focus and tuition. I wonder how I could survive last year..but whey not now?

Anyways it's Friday! Hmm lesson today was okay nothing much though. But I guess my mood and my temper is out of place. That's weird.

Afterschool planned to play volleyball with calista,boh boh and Sok Chen but cancelled. Then went to play arcade cause of boh boh & maybe cw also wear shirt that relates to school so can't play. Then went to bowling place but many people so never play. *sigh* hmm but in the end went to play pool! (first time in my life) YY join us(cw,boh&me). It's quite interesting to me ahh cause first time play but okay quite slow. Hehe. But I have fun spending time with them. ^^

After that went home. So tired. I wanted to sleep straight then without take out socks and wash my feet I went and lie on my dad's bed for few hours. Sleepy. So I go bath,eat and now slack.