Emptiness, loneliness, craziness, emo'ness, stupidness, no idea'ness

Today. Mood was like crap from yesterday? Idk.. F&n practical yesterday. Thought that will have not enough time and will fail but I was wrong was kinda in time and the most fail dish was the prawn egg roll.. Nvm anyways. I knew I tried, no regrets. Boh fail because of having the wrong fish, teacher dint get what she wanted . She's upset. Idk what to do. After washing up and all went home. Feeling the loneliness.. Hah. Hate that. Was tired, homed, eat, then nap then bath then phone then sleep. Well today first few lesson was in a bad mood.  Being my brain says I'm lonely unwanted. Haha. :] Jess ask me sit with her for mtl but I ignored. Thought wanted to be alone. Then after mtl boh boh take my bag out behind her table. Was going through reading and stuff for el. Recess,Then chem sit with bohboh. Cheered up. :]  Cw and sc have their exam. The rest had oral. Mmm, I think it was Soso? I'd be a Like too nervous. After when find boh,chew,loi,lo they all. Went to kitchen. Some help the people cooking. But kinda got irritated some other people crowd around the place when people trys to wash up and stuff. Don't know what happy to bohboh. She angry. I saysay only then scold me almost had a argument. Tell me don't ask her why. If I don't ask means I don't even care. What for I care? Yeah for what? I don't know I just care... Stupid? My fault? *sigh* was a kinda angry because she scold me. Hate it when she does that.. Then it upsets me... Make me feel so sad,useless,unwanted. Fuck my thinking. That stupid thinking that hurt my hearts came back for it food.. Cried.. I cried. This is tiring.. I want a peaceful frienship, I kept quiet even if I feel lonely. I act like nothing is wrong the truth is? I can't be alone at all.. ESP when there's actually friends around. My brain goes like a devil hurting my heart. Oh well. After I cried was angry. Wondering why the hell she like that. But when I think all that, I know I still care for her. saying like I don't but I do like hell lot. First. I really want to be there for those friends I loved, really.. Bur they dont allow me. In fact, chase me away. What am I to them? I always ask this question to myself.. But can't find any answers..

NAFA test today after school. Took hours to finish those 5 station.. My stamina drop like one kind... Fail 2.4 I bet I'll fail badly if mich.w wasn't there to pull me that last Pe lesson. Grateful though we did not pass. Went home about 5pm plus and EAT! nice!! Okay the slack till I sleep? Hey girl, don't be upset, don't cry. I had realized of how the way you reply my tweets. I feel it but I just overlook it because maybe I'm just thinking too much. Hehe but I was right. You were upset. *sigh* don't be. Hmm, maybe it wouldnt make Any difference if I feel upset because you are upset. :) Anyways don't be upset. Have to forget about him already girl. I understand that there are places that keeps on reminding you of him. And sometime you coincidentally saw him. You care. :] Just Let fragments of him slowing fade away. Don't be sad, don't cry because of him anymore. I have this thinking in the past most probably when I'm in primary school? How I hope I was a guy. A guy that can love someone rather than be a girl that waits to be loved. If I was a guy I really would want to date a girl and no matter what will love her untill she wants me to let go. Girl is a cute creature. Hahah! Because I watched a drama that's why say until Like that. Haha! When a guy go kiss a girl, the girl expression is shocked then when she reached home she is damn happy! Hahahh! Okay I'm random. Well I think I potential to love someone better than to be loved. To be loved is so damn difficult and tiring.. *sigh* just don't be sad. :] I want to see your happy face.

Have been going for rehearsal for achievers' day like 3time for this week. all rehearsal ended later then it was suppose to be. I actually didn't really want to dance but drag by sandy to dance. Not only rehearsal. For Tuesday and Wednesday after the rehearsal have to rush to tuition and late for 30min to 1 hour.. The think I hate of rehearsal is, that chang keep do changes give us do. So last min.. Stupid Have been restless the few days.. Occupied this week.. Yesterday was achievers' day. I bought gongcha for my juniors as last performance gift and it cost me $51.60 I wonder if sandy is sharing. I wonder if they really appreciate it? I wanted to use my $ to buy something else.. I owe so many people preset yet I use $ to buy thing for my junior.. Heh. Before performance. We all gather in lawrer? room. It's was okay at first but I was feeling so sleepy and the noise level increase.. So I got fed up. And I don't like the idea of being in room with other cca.. Then the band came. It got worse. They were next to out place we end up moving ourself to another side and we have no chair to sit at all. The idea of being push around. Heh. I don't really care though of s care because she don't like ......... Then we got nothing to do. So I ask sandy if want let them ji the move only, never tell them do the move but sandy ak them do then do lo. I have nothing to do just look at them do the step while I'm frowning because I still feel sleepy.. :X then in the end we've got no mood. At the backstage all have no mood. But I did ask, you all no mood only right? Not nervous? They nod their head. Then when it's gonna be our turn, something went wrong to the PA system I think. Then sown junior thought it's our turn then they went out but come back as well. And lx was angry at them. She has a very bad tempered I realized.then we went out when our turn. I can't see what has happen cause I was inside. Hmm but after the performance they were all in bad mood. Lx scolded them like one kind. I wanted to stop her but I dint. Now thinking back I should have stop her and if she did say me back, she gonna die, I will be scolding her back heh. Hmm after that she order them to stop crying(that reminds me of jane chang scolding people when they cry-.- which me me angry like one kind) am calm down as there are still finale. I see them cry make my heartache and feel like crying. :x why am I so emotional? Then they did what they was told. Then everything okay. We are cheered up, did tde woosh. I guess the other people might think we are crazy moment ago was in a bad mood then cheered up.oh well. While during finale, I actually have the urge to cry because it's the last performance I will be in my life I think. Its the last performance with them. After the whole thing we take picture and stuff. We pack our stuff and then went in to the scolding session again. This time is by ms Lai and lx.. They are long witted. If the juniors really know two are wrong they will defenitlet learn it when we say once. No point keep saying. Anyways some cried as well but this time round I don't feel like caring about the scolding just wanna be dismissed. So after that te school Gonna close then they let us go. Hah. Lol. Went to mac with michl she say wanna chat so I'm okay with it then in the middle of it ask cw come! And she came! However! Both of the two, 3 July birthday baby bully me!! Both of them Using phone and use same finger to use somemore! Hehe. One is my exgf one is my Gf. No wonder they are similar :P Anyway dint really chat alot. After eat michl went back first then I acc cw go toilet and don't feel like going home is crazy that want send her home heh. But dint so went home. Reach home sit in my room's floor using ohiwn for like 1 hour then most people went to sleep then I go bath. Don't wash clothes was too tired? Hmm lie on the bed drying my hair and using phone. Then until I keep dozing off ~ then when hair is not that wet then don't care Le. Use phone but fell asleep so never do until. Woke up at once in morning forget why then sleep back and wake up at 9am plus dad called to ask what I want to eat. I said anything. Then close my eyes, then phone no batt go charge and a few minutes when I went to my bed and close my eyes my alarm rings and shocked me then I'm awake can't sleep back. Wait for dad to be back and go wash up and eat. So full that I took quite a time to finish it. I ate porridge. After that 11am slowly change and go tuition. Waiting boh boh at her House bus stop there and we went tuition together then Simin came followed by sc. Chem tui was QA. It was quite okay when mr Koh teach. :] after that it raining heavily sc went out, Simin went her another tui me and boh boh went home. Was under rain for very short while. I like the coldness of the rain. Reach home eat soemthing the. For awhile wanted to study chem but I end up using phone until I fell asleep. Then my aunt all wake me up to eat dinner. Hate it when t they have to shout all that to wake me up if only they don't so loud and like wake me up softly I might be ok with it. After eat slack in y room with lights off using phone then went to bath and shit then wash the clothes. Went back to room slack the stomachache again went to towing and I laosai... Hehe then I went to room And slack. Aircon is on tonight again. I like. So I'm here typing this long shit. Must make myself do something like studying tomorrow.

MONDAY ~ (without Jessica)

I Really didn't feel like going back to school but I make myself wake up, dress up and walk out of the house and by the time I know, I'm in school. Oh! I hate crowded bus. Hate it when people start pushing when they know there's no place. Hate it when I end up with nothing to hold on to and lost my blanche and keep banging here and there. Feeling stupid. Usually have bad mood in morning until people talk to me of cause? The whole day was actually boring...? Jessica is not in school due to some reason. I somehow like today because time pass quite fast. Hmm, there are times where i feel alone. I went to pe myself. Val went to sheryl, jessica is not here, ill feel extra if i act like nothing and follow cw,boh and sc. Thus, i went to pe myself even if its just for a short while i still feel alone.I wonder if I'm like smiling when smiling and really laughing when I'm laughing. It doesn't feel right. Am I making myself smile and laugh? Why do I feel so empty? Why am I feeling so down? Why am I making myself so down? I feel like I'm pretending. I only have ml,Suria,Carrisa that I won't feel extra at all but we are in different class. Zulikahhh ~~ if only you are here I think I wont feel so lonely. Maybe I'm just thinking too much like I always does. Okayyyyyyyyy gonna stop this shit. Hehe. ^^ yay!!!! Was home early today. At 2pm plus. Now I'm not sure if I should go cousin house to take things for not. But feel like bathing first of gonna go. I'll see how. Was think if should ask zuk out but Nahh got homework to finish. Hmmmmm. Okay bye.(I know it's random)

Last Thursday was sports day. Went to mac for breakfast with cw,boh and lf. Was late for sports day (dorm like being late though) had to run because we were late and dm check our bag as among us who were late,there are smokers. Had as like argument? With boh. I bet it's because of lf getting involved that makes her angry. I just wanted to ask dm where's the house placing and big scolded me say ask for what dm kp. And I replied kp me what not you? Heh. I remembered it clearly. Was really mad with her. She might say that I don't understand because his not my bf? Whatever. I wonder if she"ll read this. Just saying how I feel. Really mean nothing. :] but everyday was alright in the end so okay. Forget it. The weather is so damn hot! Blazing sun! Hate it when they call the winners of events to wait under the hot sun!! Stupid. Carova win, I though cypress will win that's depressing haha but no big deal, got no prize to get anyways. Went to LAN and pool after sports day. Im really bad with online games~ hmm I don't feel bored though cw thinks I am. Hehe. Maybe at that point I forget what's bored? Hmm it makes me feel like playing those games and improve myself so I can play with them smoothly? The next time. :] hmm pool. Second time I play it. Maybe it's because it's not in the room? I feel so out of place. Play 1 game with cw for 1 hour! Then don't know how long with boh boh. So serious when she play! Make me feel stress. :X alright after that went home. Forgot what i did when I reach home. Hmm. Ohoh!!!! Went home so tired that I sit in my room floor. Hehe until my mum called and tell me go bath as she coming to fetch me!! ^^! so I did what I was told! I bought my unwash clothes over to mum place as well and shoe! So I can let the maid wash it for me. :P I'm lazy! Went to eat dinner and the home(pasir ris)! I think Im playing iPad at home until don't know what time I fell asleep.(might have been real tired) :] On Friday went out with mummy for our 3pm plus "breakfast" Sakae sushi!! It was real nice!! I like the mushroom tempera!! Yummmyyyy!! Then after that walk around whitesand shopping mall then went back home with a bloated stomach!! Stay home watching a movie and then read low Kay hwa book. And poof! The next day wake up at 8am plus or 9am plus wakie wakie. Took cab to tiong to like mummy alight there then I go back to GM.. Had stomach ache. And ive got taxi-sick.. Making me nausea wanna vomit.. Reach home eat some rice and off to tuition. After tuition went to vivo alone to buy book and don't feel to go home early then ask Jessica out. ^^ stay at mac I eat and then walk around until 6pm plus go home. And todayyyyyyyyyy. Stay at hone all day. Wake up at 2pm plus. Use iPad and then finish the low Kay hwa book I read half way then bath and watch tv. Tomorrow school and that sucks.