Somehow I'm writing on blog suddenly. And while was starting, I read Boh's blog ,her older posts, it made me cry a little such a emotional person I am.. *sigh* but i cry because I'm happy, because im glad. im glad i am her very very good friend. And her saying that i was always by her side, am i? i dint know, it just happened without me even thinking what i was doing during last year. Because what happened made me confuse, made me feel hurt. but i don't know who betrayed me but nvm. its over. :] happy that now, i still have San and Boh regardless of everything that had happened. I'm grateful. I tend to go back and feel sad of what had already happened and its over. Stupid me. hehe. so negative.. but i swear I'm better now, better than i was like. ive CHANGED, for the better, stronger than i was. That's all thanks to those passer-by that force their way through me. im glad i know them. that's all for now.

I blog because my mum talked to me I suddenly thought of blog. and just feel like blogging now. And every time I blog I write a lot of nonsense, its just my way of venting.. and I don't think anyone would read since they don't know. Now, I need to vent..mm, not vent, let it out. now, not in a good position.. my mum. All thanks to useless guys. (not saying all guys are) .. long story.. just feel upset that she is in this kind of situation. I am angry at her and yet feel sad.. am i so in a bad luck? just when i move to stay with her, this kind of thing have to happen.. *sigh..* 

nvm, goodnight for now. As I've to work at Expo later on 

2013

New year, new environment~
poly. I'm always scared of new environment. Yet, I'm happy that I'm leaving sec school. Finally. No matter what I don't want to stay in that school anymore. All those bad memories. I want to forget... No,wait.. I want to not remember. I can't forget. Even if it had passed 2 3 years I still remember..

Please don't hurt me.. Especially friends.. Please, I will forgive but I can never forget.. To the verge that if I hated someone... That's it.. It's difficult for me to "unhate"

Going poly, leaving the place where I'm living now. Moving away from people. Taking a permanent break from all of those shits, unfairness, arguments, stupidity!

Azri and my birthday celebration/bash

Today is Simin birthday though. Heeh. Happy birthday. ^^

Hmm, was actually having bad mood in the morning.. Cause of my bag so heavy and I went to take the cake. I missed the stop end up I walk back to Wcpark. Hehe. Silly me...

Hmm, the celebration only have me, jac, Azri, San, BOH, LF and farhan. Even though so few ppl its still quite fun! That sandy trick me! She tell me not to bring shirt and she won't really throw anything at me. Then end up..... She was the first to throw the water bomb at me! Drenched!!! And its a little painful too! Ahaha!! We started throw each other throw flour! I bought the wrong flour that say. Heheh. All the 3 girl attack me!!!!! I'm totally drench and covered with flour! Tsk Tsk!! They hide my shirt and replace it with a pink shirt! No wonder say no need bring shirt! Hahah!

After that we went to mac to have a drink and slack there for a while. Then we bus back home. Took quite a few or alot? Picture while otw back. Hehe! I've fun. Though it's more to Azri birthday since tomorrow it's his birthday.

Thanks. Thank you. :] I'm glad we 3 are back again. I hope there wont be next time we are separated again. That's why I keep want 3 person picture.

Random

Hey. Make me hate you, maybe not hate, make me dislike you please. Don't come close to me. Don't say things like you know me. Don't. If possible try to not help me unless I asked. I don't want to go close to you. Not at all. I cannot forgive nor can I forget the pain that you've caused me. I find that im hypocrite to act okay in front of you but the fact im mad at you. Maybe you moved on but once I get Hurt or get angry by the person. I will remember even if years passed. Just like how I remembered for those previous broken friendship I've had. Really. You made me regret for being there for you when the true I don't think you even cared that I was once there for you, supporting you even if I were to get in trouble... I regretted... Never had I felt like this before.. All I can hope is for Os to end so I won't really be seeing you. Maybe that'll will make the wound in my Heart to heal faster.. Thanks for all the good things that you have done for me. And sorry for going in your life that cause you and me to suffer. I guess we're meant to be like the way we are now. It's better. Probably.

Nevertheless, I still believe her. I realize. When what she say from her mouth I will believe. Idk why. There are times I'm really angry at her. Because of her attitude, walking off on me and all. But still can't bring myself to really don't like her. I'm a hypocrite. There are times where I talk behind her, but when with her all those thoughts vanished. I admit what I did unless I forget. I have the guts to admit. If you ask me personally, anything, I will say the truth. I don't like to lie when people ask me things personally. Unless I'm not really sure.


If anyone I know read this. Go ahead. :] I'm not sure if you will be a person that show ppl what I blog and make them think I'm a bad person. I don't care anymore. I've had enough trying my very best to be a good person to be fair. One of my friend tell me that I no need to force myself, no need to try to hard because I'm just human, everyone is not perfect or are you. Dont be too hard on yourself. That make me think. Was I trying to be perfect all along? Idk. I can say I'm trying to be a fair person like my horoscope. Hoping to be balance, be equilibrium.

Find your action unreasonable. No longer trying to think in your shoe

Don't blame ppl from leaving, blame yourself for making them leave. The way say it's like your putting the blame on your friends. But, why can't you realize that you push them away instead. You told them how you appreciate them but you only use words. You say you dont want them leave, did you even try holding on to them from leaving? If you really don't want them to leave you can try and hold on to them, no? Even if In the end they choose to leave, you have no choice at least you have tried. But you dint, so you have no rights to say that they leave you.

I wonder how can you act like nothing happened. You should know you caused it all. You say you don't like ppl to assume how you feel, but god damn it, you assumed things that I did not do. And I hated but accused. If you dont like ppl assume you yourself dont assume things. Because of you, I've got hurt again and become more mean that I don't wanted to be.

You have broke the trust I had put in you despite many things. You spread things about me. All along I've tried to make others to not make things worse for you so I was helping behind you. You make me regret, regret for trying my best helping you. I know you did not asked me to, but I can't leave you like that. You can say I pity you but I tried to be close with you, but I think I can't. I'm tired of you. Tired of being with you, tired of your mood swings (you show all over the face and let us suffer), tired of trying, tired trying to advice you because you are so stubborn you won't listen. One word, tired.

I'm venting here. If you read this, this is my blog I can say what I want, but I wont state your name.

If you come to me for help, I still will help no matter what.

Sometimes I can't make myself hate the person when they can talk to me so normal.

Actually, I should be glad you are like that. :] because you are like that, I'm okay again with her.

You. Yup you. :]

I'm glad that in the end we are back. Maybe others may say I'm stupid but as long as I'm happy. But you know. When we have small arguments, it's because both of us don't want to lose. I don't know why, when we argue I dint feel like losing to you. I've told you that I lost my trust in you is because you were too close to her. And when everything was going on, you weren't there with me. I hope you were, so I'll know what really am I to you... You told me I was just normal friend all that. It actually hurt me. Having me to see how close you was with her, it hurts me and make me feel frustrated. And make me feel that I no longer have the rights to treat you well.. Though you've said you are not close with her and all but you choose to go to her then come to me.. I'm tired of getting hurt everytime in a friendship. My heart hurts so easily. I'm jealous I admit so what. I care so I'm jealous. I still love you as a friend. How I can disturb you like no one business, how I can talk to you, how I can walk with you, how my heart weren't so empty, so lonely. Though I know there're still friends that might care for me but their care is not really for me. They have their own friends to care about. I cant Stand being alone.. I feel lost, feel unwanted, feel that I don't belong.. You choose to go with her then come to me.. That Hurt me alot.. Even now, typing this I'm at the verge of crying yet I can't..(this is a joke) - I'm on the bus!!! Later cry ppl look at me how!!

I really hope the 3 of us will be like that time. I dont know if it's all right..

.... Why can't ppl understand me. I just want to have a friend that care alot about me and I also care alot about the person. Why.. Why so difficult.. Why ppl say that I'm a good friend and all why are they still treating me like this? Why are they pretending? Why are they saying words out so easily when they can't really do it?? Why? Why am I like this? Why am I so weak? So useless, so soft hearted... Don't say you appreciate it when you don't! I will take it to heart! Even though I will say I don't want to believe what you say but the fact is, the moment you've said it I believed it and remembered it.. Don't hurt me, don't make me cry, I will remember even if years pass by.

Hey you. Truly from the bottom of my heart. Just when I was about to give up on you, you came back.. But this time, can I really trust you? When you say it I will believe it. Yes or no? I need trust. Can you not go to others and leave me hanging one side like I was being abandon? I feel so useless.. But I know those friend care about me, but I feel like a extra because I know I don't belong, I am not suppose to get in there. I feel that my existence is not important to anyone. It hurts so much. Arghh.... *controlling*
I hate how That show ppl my frustration because you hurt me but when I am with you I forget all those... What aHypocrite I am..

I hate that I've been called betrayer.. Acting kind soul.. Was I pretending? What I've done was all an act?.. I cannot forget what words and action that have been thrown to me.. You know, being there for her, I don't know how many effort I've used, I dont know how worried I was, how I kept asking ppl to not make things big, how angry I was, how tired it made me that I even cried because I was so tired.. How I cried for her, how I cried knowing she feel hurt... How I tried telling ppl to trust her. For fuck I did that. All she did was saying she appreciate it. Fuck that. In the end she make everything worse for me and you and bra* Why the hell did I do that for her.. When her friends wasn't really there I was.. Fuck that...
All over now but I still feel... Frustration, Saddness..

Wednesday.

Getting back the papers today. Had PE, played handball. hmm, I think I'm in good condition to play. However, I was too focus on the ball that I keep banging the same person, like calista, Michelle and Sofia? Managed to take the ball, snatched the ball. But it's because they left too much openings for me to snatch. :X no bhb hor.! Then there's was this where I michelle and I chiong for the ball and we bang each other..... Damn pain ! her face bang my nose. Though it was pain but not to the point I would tear but the tears just came out by itself. >.< not her fault. Heheh. Both too focus!! So all day I feel uncomfortable about my nose. Have the feeling Like there's a pressure on my nose. Today weather is damn hot. Feel so uncomfortable!! Body sticky stick! Eek! >.<

So broke nowwwwww. Need to stop taking cab..... :|